My Boss Has An Absolutely Disgusting Habit — Will I Get Fired If I Call Him Out?

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My father has cancer and the doctors have given him 2-3 years to live. My mother has already “grieved her husband” and has a secret lover. I was not supposed to know about this, but I was helping her with some smartphone issues, when a WhatsApp message popped up. I’m sure I don’t need to continue.

1. Should I tell my father any of this?

2. Should I try to scold my mother or at least let her know that I know? I wish I could move out of my parents’ house so I stop witnessing all of this madness (I moved in during the pandemic, but because I’m disabled it’s really difficult to find proper housing, especially in this economy). Which leads me to my last question…

3. Should I just move out, even if I can’t afford an adequate place and I’m sure I will financially struggle, but shut down all of the chaos and just put my emotional wellbeing first? Will I regret not spending these last years near my father?

P.S. I am a single child, and I am closer to my father than my mother.

I’m sorry for all you’re going through. What a heavy burden. To answer your questions:

1. Should I tell my father any of this?: I think in order to do that, you would need to land on a good reason why. If, for example, your mom has gone AWOL and your dad is struggling to understand her absence, that could be a case where clarity is ultimately better than confusion. But if your dad is blissfully unaware of what’s happening right now, and happy and comfortable in his home life, you might decide to let things be. With limited time left, there’s not much he can do with the information besides ache from it. Maybe the most loving option is to protect his peace.

2. Should I try to scold my mother or at least let her know that I know?: I think there’s value in talking to her if you’re up for it. It’s possible you’re missing some context here that would help you decide how to proceed — maybe he already knows, maybe they have an understanding, maybe the situation is not quite what you think. You, in turn, could communicate whatever boundaries you’ll need with her as you navigate the time ahead with your dad.

3. Should I just move out, even if I can’t afford an adequate place? Will I regret not spending the last years near my father?: You have so much going on right now. I’m hesitant to tell you to add financial distress and inadequate housing into the mix. So I’ll make an alternative pitch: If you have anything set aside for rent right now, put a portion of it towards a weekly therapist instead. (If you have no budget for this, there may be programs in your area that can offer some sessions for free.) A therapist might be able to help you find a healthier way of living at home — one where you can be present for your dad, and detach from the decisions of your mom.

Which brings me to that last and most loaded question: Would you regret not spending this time with your dad? I think possibly yes — especially if you have doubts that your mom will give him the love and care that he deserves right now, and especially if moving out would cause its own set of harms. See if there’s a way to stay in your home, without staying in its chaos.

I hope you and your dad can find some moments of peace and connection on the road ahead.

How do I handle being around my boss who is the grossest eater I’ve ever encountered, and is ALWAYS eating when we’re together?

I’ve been lucky enough to never struggle with misophonia, but my boss is the loudest, grossest, lip-smackiest, chewing-and-talking-with-his-mouth-wide-open person I have ever encountered in my life. I can literally hear him chewing in the other room, with the door closed. And if he’s chewing and smacking, he’s talking. It’s so repulsive, I physically can’t sit still, let alone eat when he is doing it.

However, pretty much all of the time that we are together are at mealtime meetings, either at work, or at restaurants. Which means 1) I don’t get to eat, 2) I have to try and keep down what I’ve previously eaten, and 3) he then presses me on why I’m not eating, and if he/the company has paid for the meal, he gets really offended that I’m not eating.

Unfortunately, he’s also a giant man-baby, so I definitely can’t just be like, “hey man, can you please close your mouth?” I wouldn’t put it past him to fire me based on that.

Good lord. Any chance the restaurant meetings are with clients? If so, I think that gives you a good excuse to frame this as a business concern rather than a personal one; clients who have to endure his grossness are unlikely to stick around too long. You’d be justified to give him that feedback in a kind, respectful way — and to tell HR that you did, in case he tries to retaliate.

If all of these mealtime meetings are internal, and he’s the type to fire you over complaining, your options are more limited. But here are four other levers you might pull:

1. Change the meeting times: It does seem off to me that all your time with your manager happens over meals, and I’d say that even if he was a perfect chewer. Depending on your workplace, you might be able to say something like: “I don’t mind the occasional lunch meeting, but I think we’re better focused when we don’t have food in front of us. Could we move our weekly check-ins to after lunch?”

2. Ask HR to handle it: Your mileage may vary here. In theory, going through HR protects you from retaliation. In practice, it does not always work out that way. I like the HR route best if your team is big and your complaint is guaranteed to be anonymous, so he can’t pinpoint who filed it.

3. Read some books on Zen Buddhism and learn how to detach from all of life’s suffering: Okay, I am a little bit joking. But as someone with severe misophonia who is tragically incapable of controlling every person around me, I have had to incorporate some meditative practices into my daily life in order to get by. A little deep breathing and reframing of the situation can do wonders. But that’s a skill you build up over time. It’s taken me like five years to be okay around someone eating chips.

4. Get a new job: Generally easier than trying to attain nirvana, though maybe not in the current job market.

Best of luck to you, and namaste.

I am an asshole when I argue: I attack and destroy all arguments. I’m condescending, mean, and unyielding. This is great when I have to defend my point in meetings with big bosses and clients who won’t take me seriously as a 5’2” baby-faced woman, but not so cool when it’s with friends or partners discussing music genres. I get even worse when I feel slighted or hurt.

I don’t want to be this way. I’ve pushed away people I love because, to me, arguing is a sport, and when it isn’t, it’s war. It’s gotten so bad that I don’t even realize I’ve crossed the line and said something hurtful until it’s too late. I want to change; I want to stop in time, and I want to be able to discuss things with my loved ones without hurting them.

But I truly don’t know how. So, what do?

This is something I used to struggle with often — okay, fine, some of my friends would tell you the struggle is ongoing. But I have gotten better! I love a debate, and I can get way too invested in them. Like you, I’ve had to recognize that this is not everyone’s idea of a fun Friday night, and what feels like a spirited debate to me can land as a heated confrontation for someone else.

I give you credit for recognizing you have something to work on here. There are a few things you might try, like going to therapy to unpack any underlying anger issues you might be dealing with, and learning to recognize the early warning signs that you’re about to pop off (a quickened pulse, a tightened throat, an unkind thought about the person opposite you, etc.) so that you can tap out before you say something you’ll regret.

You might also want to examine whether this part of yourself is actually serving you at work the way you say it is. While it’s good to know how to command authority in a room, I’ll push back on the idea that you should be condescending or mean to your bosses and clients.

I’ll end this with a practical approach that’s helped me — one where you can actually lean into your love of debating rather than hide from it. The next time a debate pops up among your friends, make yourself the moderator instead of the opponent. Sure, you can drop your personal hot take about Taylor Swift or whatever the topic is, but then yield the floor for someone else’s take. Ask follow-up questions that aren’t meant to trap or embarrass them, but instead help illuminate their point of view, whether or not you agree with it. Make sure everyone gets to say their piece. As moderator, your job is to facilitate an interesting conversation, not win it.

This approach works on two levels. First, it keeps you on good behavior. Second, it makes debates less scary for your friends, which in turn will allow you to have more of them. Try it out. ✦

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